My Great Breast Cancer Adventure

Medicine Needs a Dose of Creative Thinking - Technology Review

Admissions panels have unforgiving standards for new medical students. That scares Jacob Scott.

via www.technologyreview.com

Breast Cancer Choices Supplement Strategies - Curcumin

via www.breastcancerchoices.org

Just another example of the good information to be found on my favorite breast cancer website.

Coming Out of the Sickness Closet (part 2 of yesterday's webcast)

Confronting Cancer Webcast by Mary Elizabeth Williams

via Salon.com

Breast Cancer Choices Supplement Strategies: Melatonin

via www.breastcancerchoices.org

For Adrienne Rich, May She Rest in Peace

Adrienne Rich (Credit: AP)                   Salon.com article HERE

In the Kitchen of All Women 
 

Blue cup 
             aswirl 
on the microwave carousel 
 
I stand here and grieve 
in the kitchen of all women 
 
I see her 82-year-old face 
short hair, elfin ears, 
                   eyes ablaze 
on the cover 
of the New York Times, 
March 28th, 
                  1929 to 2012 
 
Too many of us 
are still wed 
to clueless grooms, 
still bound 
to our brooms 
and chains of pearls 
 
I am aware 
of the little girls, 
their clitoral removals. 
                  I carry 
my knowledge 
of their mothers' faces 
       raped 
by biblical acids, 
turned to lava 
and born again 
            and yet again 
into the reins 
of terror 
at the hands 
         of their beloveds 
 
I say 
a prayer of thanks 
to you, Ms. Rich, 
              beacon of light 
for so many cloistered, 
drifting hearts. I lift 
      my blue cup 
in a toast to you, 
I salute the way you strove 
to lift the veils, to write 
         for us all, 
the way you dove 
             into the wreck.

Aspirin: A Blockbuster Therapy for Breast Cancer Survivors? - US News and World Report

"Has it spread?" "Am I going to die?" These are the heart-sinking questions that invariably run through the minds of women who have been told that they have breast cancer. They courageously take on surgery, long and arduous chemotherapy, and radiation treatments, hoping to fend off the fate of the 40,000 women whose breast cancer will take a deadly turn this year, reappearing and relentlessly spreading throughout their body.

via health.usnews.com

OMG! Another Shot of Will and Heloise

I have to say I'm bummed that I wasn't able to galavant off to Paris to see Will compete in the Cirque du Demain circus competition. Did I mention that he and his partner Heloise won the Gold Medal? Only about ten times already? Oh, sorry (not). I also recently found out that he and Heloise won the TOP gold medal; there were three gold medals, and of those three, Will and Heloise got the most "points." So what that really means is that they were THE the gold medal winners!

Even after all these years, I still have a hard time comprehending that this is what my son does FOR A LIVING. It is the weirdest thing, to have a circus performer child. It would be different if he came from a long line of circus performers, but he SO doesn't. There are no other circus performers in our lineage, that is for sure. I wonder if he has kids, if they'll become little circus performers too. That would be a trip.

Breast Screenings Creating An Epidemic of Over-Diagnosis | GreenMedInfo | Blog entry | Natural Medicine | Alternative Medicine | Integrative Medicine | Consumer Advocacy

A new study that looked at 14 years of mammography screening in Norway found that the increased incidence of breast cancer observed in that period was due to over-diagnosis: “findings of tumours that in the absence of screening would never have given rise to clinical illness.”  

via www.greenmedinfo.com

Addendum to Today's Earlier Post

Three quotes I just came across, all of which helped my testy mood:

"Bless your uneasiness as a sign that there is still life in you." – Dag Hammarskjold

"Do you not see how necessary a world of pains and troubles is to school an intelligence and make it a soul?" – John Keats

"Gertrude's remedy for her mood swings was to print up hundreds of black bordered calling cards embossed with the single word "Woe," which she handed out, gaily declaring, "Woe is me." – Ross Wetzsteon

I think my favorite is the last one because it made me laugh. I think Gertrude and I may be related.

Now what? Life after cancer treatment - Cancer - Salon.com

Here's an article that I can identify with in many (not all, but many) ways. I'm currently taking a low-dose cancer drug that comes in pill form and, although it causes side effects, those effects are minimal compared to all-out, IV chemo treatments. So in that regard I am very fortunate, especially since the drug seems to be working. I've been on it for eight months now, and slowly but surely my tumor marker numbers have decreased...from over 1,000 to somewhere around 150 now. Normal is under 10. I am still not out of the woods, and the thing is, even if and when I get all the way back down to under 10, I won't be out of the woods. I'll never be out of the woods, unless they come up with some radical new miracle cancer treatment in the next few years.

I won't be out of the woods because most metasticized cancers  (not all...there are always exceptions...but most) come back. They mutate and become resistant to whatever drug was working so well for you. And at that point, if you can stand it, if you have the emotional and physical strength to keep trying, you have to go to Plan B or C or D or F...or...maybe not, because maybe you have run out of backup plans. Maybe you just used the only backup plan you had left in your and your many doctors' bags of tricks.

I'm getting closer to that point now. The current drug is working, and I am happy about that. I celebrate it, I am grateful for it every day. But I also live, every day, with the knowledge that it could stop working at any time. Yesterday I went to the acupuncturist, who is treating another woman with breast cancer; she now has mets to her liver. She was taking the same drug that I am now on. But when I asked my acupuncturist how she was doing (I don't know her personally, don't know her name), he said she just switched to another drug because the one she was on had stopped working...after only one year.

I always feel that I must put up a Big Positive Front to everyone I know. I must always emphasize the positive, emphasize what I am grateful for. That's what everyone wants me to do. If I don't, someone will inevitably say something to try and make me re-focus on the positive. I understand that, but I also feel chided, in a way, for not being upbeat enough, for not seeing the glass half full, for being pessimistic rather than optimistic. It annoys me, frankly. I have enough to deal with without friends chiding me (covertly) for not being Ms. Perfectly Positive all the time.

I walk a fine line. I do feel and want to be optimistic. But I don't want to be delusional, I don't want to imagine that I am "above" the realities of life and death. I'm trying to face every day realistically.

So anyway, I identify with parts of the article below. I admire the author for having the strength and guts to write it.

I had just settled into a chair for my regular Tuesday night cancer support group when I got the call. An unfamiliar number. A split second of wondering whether or not to answer. And then my doctor, calling from his own phone to say, “I have your results.”

via www.salon.com

NaturalNews Talk Hour Show - Breast Cancer and Iodine

via www.naturalhealth365.com

Tonight, 6 p.m. PST, 9 p.m. EST, listen to this talk by Dr. David Brownstein, who is THE expert on the subject of iodine and breast cancer. Taking iodine -- the right kind in the right way -- is one of the easiest yet most effective ways to prevent and/or treat breast cancer.

More Will & Heloise

Bragging Rights: Congrats to the Amazing Will and Heloise

via www.cirquededemain.com

Exciting News from the Proud Mom: my son Will and his hand-to-hand/Chinese pole partner Heloise WON A GOLD MEDAL at the Festival du Cirque de Demain (Circus of Tomorrow) in Paris. This is a huge honor. They competed against 23 other circus acts from all over the world (who were chosen to be in the competition from a pool of more than 1000 applicants).

WOW!

Between 50 and Death

I'm not a New York lady, nor have I ever lived in NYC. But I still get a real kick out of this video! I'm wearing two necklaces today instead of just one...and am working up to five or six at at time. Also mulling over the intriguing idea of going wild and delving into the realm of cacamamey (sp?) hats and eyeglasses.

Internet blackout! - Stop Online Piracy Act - Salon.com

Internet blackout! - Stop Online Piracy Act - Salon.com

I hope everyone takes the time to read this. Scary stuff for those of us who believe in the Internet as a source of great freedom and communication for all those who previously had no voice in the world, or voices that could not compete with the Big Authoritarian Powers - governments, corporations, etc.

I would rather people be able to "pirate" my photos and even my writing than have the Internet policed and controlled as it would be if these acts are passed in Congress.

About Enjoying Every Sandwich

I think about life and living every day. These days, those thoughts include more about death and dying, which are not separate from life and living. Life includes death. Living includes dying.

I can say this with a smidgen more confidence now than yesterday. My hope is that each day, I grow another smidgen of confidence when it comes to this topic. I can be a real slow learner, but I plod along nevertheless, smidgen by smidgen.

Today I went back to the article I posted yesterday and read some of the comments at the bottom. One of those comments included a link to this YouTube video. Short and sweet (bittersweet). But for me, helpful.

How Doctors Die « Zócalo Public Square

It's been a while since I've posted here, obviously. Nov. 11th, to be exact. Wow. Two months! But now you know that I am still here, not dead, not even sick or miserable or suffering from some new awful medication. I'm in another "good" phase of having breast cancer. And I'm not being sarcastic. I really do see it, now, as a long-term (hopefully) experience that is full of ups and downs, good phases and not so good phases.

The whole first half of 2011 was a very bad phase for me. Most of the second half of 2011 was a successful, although very slow-going, attempt to get out of the bad phase rather than die.

So now I am out of the bad phase. Not out of the woods, but out of the bad phase. Which I am very happy about. It's getting easier and easier to take life "one day at a time." I am overjoyed to be able to post this post. Overjoyed to be able to sit (not lay) on my couch . . . and to do so without horrible discomfort or pain. In short, I am overjoyed that I am back to living a relatively normal life - driving a car, working to earn a living, seeing my friends, enjoying my relationship with Jack (and my beloved pets), doing photography, writing, all of it. Just being able to get dressed and leave my house again is a huge wonderful thing.

What prompted me to post something today was the following article that one of my fellow "breast cancer discussion list" members forwarded to the list. It's easy to read and was, for me, compelling. It makes so much sense! I hope every one of you will read it and benefit from it. Here's how it starts:

Years ago, Charlie, a highly respected orthopedist and a mentor of mine, found a lump in his stomach. He had a surgeon explore the area, and the diagnosis was pancreatic cancer. This surgeon was one of the best in the country. He had even invented a new procedure for this exact cancer that could triple a patient’s five-year-survival odds—from 5 percent to 15 percent—albeit with a poor quality of life. Charlie was uninterested. He went home the next day, closed his practice, and never set foot in a hospital again. He focused on spending time with family and feeling as good as possible. Several months later, he died at home. He got no chemotherapy, radiation, or surgical treatment. Medicare didn’t spend much on him.

Just go HERE to read the rest of the piece, which was written by Dr. Ken Murray:  zocalopublicsquare.org

so beautiful and so terrible...

via wavesworld.typepad.com

I'd like to share with you the first paragraph (and a link to the rest) of my friend Wave Geber's blog, which she kept posting to until five days before her death from breast cancer last Friday Nov. 4th. I am still amazed at how she managed to continue writing and sharing her experience(s), with such honesty and openness and depth. And I think she'd like to have her words live on:

Oct. 30th, 2011

Yesterday would have to go down as one of the most emotionally touching times of my life. i can't believe it could get more intense than it has been, but it does...mr dave brought his guitar from new york but i didn't think i could sing anything. mitchell pushed it a bit and i laid here propped up while dave learned "song for the asking"...i sang with very little voice strength but somehow it came out sounding beautiful and sweet. then we tried "make you feel my love", and i looked up and dave was crying and mitchell was crying and i had to put my hand up so that i couldn't see them so i could finish the song. there was so much love and friendship in this room, and a deep deep sadness. we sang for an hour. each song seemed to say everything about my relationship with mitchell, our friendship with dave, and the beauty of life. i knew it was my last singing time and so did they, and mitchell didn't want it to end. these men aren't the crying types but were sobbing and tissues were flying everywhere. a most memorable gig...and an honor to share it with dave and mitchell...

Continue reading Wave's blog here:

via wavesworld.typepad.com

Cells' 'neighborhood' can help prevent breast cancer

Cells' 'neighborhood' can help prevent breast cancer

Good article. Makes me realize, once again, how remiss I have been in my ongoing reluctance to exercise regularly. I used to walk my dog Olivia three times a week for an hour, going up hills and down. But I stopped doing that when I became sick from taking the drug Tamoxifen, and by the time I felt better again after lying around for months letting my muscles get flabby, I didn't start walking Olivia again. I let someone else do it, because when I did it, my general flabby weakness caused me to hurt and feel too discouraged to keep walking. Thus: A vicious cycle. One that I need to overcome!

The SCAR Project - Images

The SCAR Project - Images

These images of real women and what breast cancer does to their bodies is why I am more interested in spending my time doing serious research about breast cancer treatments.

I believe that we women need to empower ourselves by doing more than wearing and waving pink ribbons...more than raising money for organizations that we actually know very little about in terms of what they do with the money that gets raised in the name of "breast cancer awareness." What does that MEAN, really? Where does the money go? Do we know where we'd most like it to go? Do we have any true knowledge re: what would be the best use of the money? How much have we educated ourselves about breast cancer, really?

For example, have you heard the latest news about mammograms and how ineffective they are for dense-breasted women? Are you "aware" of the new research coming to light about how we should reconsider the standard recommendation to have yearly mammograms? We need to do (and know) more than just "being aware" that breast cancer exists. We need to SEE the images of women with mutilated bodies.

We need to go to levels of awareness that take us beyond pink ribbons. 

 

 

 

Depressing News: Obama’s crackdown on medical marijuana - Salon.com

Back in July, I interviewed a drug policy expert about an apparent change in Justice Department policy that suggested a crackdown on medical marijuana — which is legal in many states but illegal under federal law — might be coming.

Full article here:

via www.salon.com

Cancer Bitch - greenheron - Open Salon

It is October. Again. Pink ribbons. Heart wrenching stories of the stricken. Images of courageous smiling bald headed women in pink T shirts. Companies that donate a percentage of product proceeds to research if you buy this or that shampoo, yogurt, deodorant, or spaghetti sauce. Everyone gets on board the pink boat, unified by the desire to cure cancer.   

Cancer Bitches ride a different boat. Many of us dread October. We won’t tell you that. We would seem angry ingrates for your kindness and concern, so we quietly put our heads down until it is over. We endure the media voices speaking in hushed low tones, using the lexicon of war: battle, warrior, survivor, victim, courage. We walk down streets and supermarket aisles festooned with pink ribbons. We skip article after breast cancer awareness article that highlights anti-cancer diets, anti-cancer exercise, anti-cancer vitamins, recent anti-cancer discoveries, coffee/wine/green tea/chocolate/aspirin/tumeric. 

Read full article (post) here:

via open.salon.com

Me: It's well worth the read. I'm often a Cancer Bitch too, and I frequently grapple with many of the same issues that are brought up in "greenheron's" piece. Once you are diagnosed with something like BC, your whole social world transforms in order to accommodate (whether you like it or not) this new facet of yourself that everyone you know is whispering about, worried about, curious about, sorry about, flipped out about, optimistic about, pessimistic about, wanting to give you advice about...or even not giving a whit about. This new social scenario can be quite a challenge to navigate.

And there's more to bitch about, too! Stuff I have not touched on much, in this blog (hard to believe I haven't bitched about every single possible bitchable thing there is in relation to BC, but it's true, greenheron shines the light on a few things that I have neglected to properly bitch about!

Musings on Love, Sex & Confusion...from the Moonlight Cafe - Jane Underwood - Open Salon

It was somewhere around the year 2000, give or take a year or two this way or that, and I thought, Who has time for cafes anymore? Sure, I had once hung out at cafes writing in my journals, pre-Wi Fi, but that had been back in my free-spirited twenties, before I hit the sleep-deprived haggard struggling single-mom decade of my thirties, followed by the catch-up-on-your-never-materialized-career decade of my forties.

via open.salon.com

In Thailand, an Innovative Fight Against Cervical Cancer - NYTimes.com

In Thailand, an Innovative Fight Against Cervical Cancer - NYTimes.com

I am posting this link to an article not about breast cancer but about cervical cancer. Why? Because it's a great example of how simple, relatively inexpensive solutions CAN be found to fight cancer. Doctors here often poo-poo any "simple" ideas that are not promoted by the all-powerful health insurance/pharmaceutical corporations (who prefer to offer the high-tech expensive options, of course).

Doctors, Doctors, Who's at the Doctor's?

I believe this is called "cross-posting."  (???). It's for industrious but also lazy people who are trying to keep more than one blog going (industrious) but who also don't want to keep more than one blog going (lazy). So they put a link in one blog that takes you to their other blog, like I'm doing now:

My Open Salon Blog Post

CHANGING: MORPHING INTO MATURITY - Ande Bliss - Open Salon

 I haven’t done much to make me look better. I’ve done a whole lot to make me feel better. It took a lot of living for me to get to look like the mature woman in the mirror. At my age it is about remaining vertical, as well as vital. It is balancing act and here is what think is going on.

via open.salon.com

I recently went crazy and started yet another blog on Open Salon (a blogger's haven on Salon.com magazine). I've done five or six posts and have been reading other blog posts there. I read this one today and enjoyed it (in a rueful sort of way).

Flashback to August 2010 - A Letter to The Great Mystery

Poking around this morning in a folder filled with old "daily writes," I came across this letter that I wrote to the Great Mystery, a bit over a year ago, shortly before my descent into a year that was mostly comprised of Hell.

I think I'll share it (again) now that I have exited Hell for a while, I hope. Beware, it includes some cuss words that you might find offensive. Sorry, but I am not going to censor myself.

August 2010

Dear Great Mystery,

I want to thank you for letting the sun come out today, yesterday, and the day before yesterday. It has been an unusually cold summer, overall, and I know that the gray chill was depressing me, but I didn't realize how much until you gave us the gift of this outburst of sun. I'm still depressed and angry about all sorts of things right now, but less so . . .  and that is thanks to this glorious sunshine and warmth. I even ordered a freaking hammock, as you know.  It has been downright hot, some would say uncomfortably so, but I am not complaining. I will take all the heat I can get.

Thanks, too, for suggesting that memoir or personal essay title, Land of the Floor.

In addition to thanking you, I hope you won't mind if I also put out a request or two. You aren't a God per se, so I don't know if you grant requests, but if by some chance you do, here goes. I'm confused. Of course, I'm always confused on some level, but right now I'm especially confused. To be more specific, I'm confused about how to handle the rising tumor marker numbers.

Xeloda Update and All that Goes with It....

A week ago I had another "check-in" appointment with my oncologist. He looked at my latest blood tests: CBC and tumor markers (CA15-3 and CEA) and said they were great, as in my grade would be an A+ if were in a school for cancer patients. My tumor markers are continuing to decrease at a very good rate. In three months my CA15-3 has gone down from 1005 to 440. Normal would be close to zero. And my CEA has gone down from around 100 to 35'ish. Again, normal would be close to zero. (However, it's good to keep in mind that there are very healthy people whose numbers are much higher than zero, and there are very sick people whose numbers are in the normal range. So....as I said in an earlier post, tumor markers are best used mainly as a way to see how your disease is "trending." Nothing more.

Living with Cancer - And Even Writing About It

I admit, I do at times get sick of trying to keep this blog going. Must I really continue to write about it (my breast cancer)? Well, no. Nobody is holding a gun to my head. I could stop. Could just close it down and get on with leading a more private life. Not this glaring, blaring self-exposure. Why do I do it? Why be this open book for all to see?

I do some version of this post on a fairly regular basis. But here I am again, still posting, even if not every day.  I guess I sorta feel like: Shit, I started this thing, I committed to it, and now I need to stick to my commitment. Because...because... it helps me cope, and I hope it helps a few others to cope. Or to better understand what this disease is like.

Exercise Called "Wonder Drug" for Cancer patients

(CBS) The latest "wonder drug" for cancer isn't a drug at all - but exercise. That's what a British cancer charity had to say in a new report detailing the benefits of exercise for cancer patients. . .

. . . ."Cancer patients would be shocked if they knew just how much of a benefit physical activity could have on their recovery and long term health," Ciaran Devane, chief executive of Macmillan Cancer Support, said in a written statement.

Macmillan's "Move More" report looked at 60 studies and surveyed over 400 health professionals to show how important exercise was to cancer treatment.

The report said doing recommended levels of 150 minutes per week could reduce a breast cancer patient's risk of recurrence or dying by 40 percent. . .

Read full article here:

via www.cbsnews.com

Compassion & Choices: End of Life Care

Here's a copy of an email I got today from an organization that I "joined" and have a lot of respect for. So I am passing it on to you:


Dear Jane,

Margaret Furlong went to the hospital armed with her advance directive. It stated her wishes clearly: she wanted no elaborate, invasive treatment at life’s end.

But her doctor and his hospital refused Margaret’s wishes. They delivered invasive treatment and forced Margaret to spend her final days in intensive care, tethered to machines and pleading for it all to stop.

The treatment didn’t stop until Margaret died. Her final wish—to have a peaceful, dignified death—was denied.

Do Mammograms Really Make a Difference in Survival?

Are screening mammograms effective in reducing deaths from breast cancer? The mainstream media and the medical-industrial complex would have you believe that mammograms are the best thing you can do to diagnose breast cancer at an early stage. The theory is that an early diagnosis leads to a better treatment outcome.

via drdavidbrownstein.blogspot.com

Health Writing - DeMystifying Medicine for the Masses

Given my six-year intensive foray into the land of doctors, medicine, and disease, I've been reminded of how important it is for SOMEONE to deliver GOOD health and medical information to "the masses." Much of what we read in mainstream newspapers and magazines regarding the lastest medical studies, controversies, and "discoveries" is too often reported by media people who have no idea what they're talking about - not really. They have neither the knowledge nor the expertise that would enable them to responsibly report on the medical and scientific issues of the day. Ditto for television reporters.

Here's one small example. You pick up the newspaper and read an article that says "the study shows that hormone replacement therapy increases a woman's risk for breast cancer."

What the article doesn't say, however, is that this risk was not shown to be  "statistically significant." In other words, if the risk increases by  a very very small percentage, researchers and doctors do not consider it significant. But when lay people read the article, all they think is, "Oh my god, I can't take estrogen because it will increase my risk of breast cancer!"

Wrong. It's WAY more complicated than that.

It's no big deal if you make a mistake reporting on the lastest fashion trend in shoes, but it's a pretty darn big deal to mislead the public if you're reporting on the latest national breast cancer study.

 

Iodine Treats Breast Cancer, Overwhelming Evidence by Jeffrey Dach MD

Dr. David Brownstein Reports Spontaneous Regression of Breast Cancer After Iodine

via jeffreydach.com

I wrote about iodine and breast cancer early on in this blog, but it's time to do another post on it for newcomers. I hope you'll read this article. You can also read about iodine supplementation (and order the iodine) at breastcancerchoices.org. Iodine supplementation is not a difficult or expensive thing to do.

From Lhasa: Soon This Space Will be Too Small...

Yesterday my friend Alexandra sent me a link to this YouTube video of her daughter Lhasa. She sent it she said, because the second-to-last paragraph of my yesterday's blog post reminded her of it. To me and to many others - fans, friends, and family - Lhasa was an astonishing person, wise beyond her years, I think. A wise old soul.

At the end of this video are links to several other ones of Lhasa, mostly of her singing. One is of her singing "A Small Song." It's my favorite Lhasa song.

My Armpit, My Spirituality, My Shame, My Chi, Etc.

Flasback to January 2010:

Now that my aching breast has been dispensed with, my armpit aches. Bummer. I'm worried about this new development. But I try to focus on work instead, try to think up ways to keep the daily grind meaningful. Creative ways. Inspired ways. Good luck you, chump, I say to myself.

I want my work to be, as the Buddhists would say, my right livelihood, maybe even my spiritual practice. I think a lot about what it might mean to have a spiritual practice. I commit to walking the dog every day and manage to do so every other day. While I walk I take photos. Photography is my new hobby and, I am beginning to think, probably closer to a spiritual practice than my daily grind. But maybe not. Maybe I am wrong about that. Who knows? The Dalai Lama?

Or what about yoga? I often think about doing yoga, about starting to practice it religiously, not today of course but someday. Sometimes I attempt to do simple stretches, but if I stretch the wrong way my armpit begins to ache or my back goes kaput, and I immediately shift into reverse.

Misleading "Relative Risk" Statistics Given to Cancer Patients

Which drug would you rather take? One that reduces your risk of cancer by 50 percent, or another drug that only eliminates cancer in one out of 100 people? Most people would choos the drug that reduces their risk of cancer by 50 percent, but the fact is, both of these numbers refer to the same drug. They’re just two different ways of looking at the same statistic. One way is called relative risk; the other way is absolute risk.

Read two articles that will help you to understand: via www.breastcancerchoices.org

Removal of Micrometastatic Cancerous Lymph Nodes in Breast Cancer Patients: No survival benefit

via www.springerlink.com

Blue Breast: Second Surgery

ALERT: I know things now that I didn't know in 2005. For example, if I had known then what I know now, I probably would not have allowed them to do the sentinel node biopsy, or to take any of my lymph nodes, period. It's even possible that I might not have had the lumpectomy. So please keep this in mind when you read the post below, and do your research on lymph node removal and breast cancer; don't just assume that it's going to help you to have nodes biopsied or removed. You can start your research by going to breastcancerchoices.org.

A flashback to 2005:

The first surgery is over, the lump is out, and the diagnosis is in: Breast cancer. Stage two, invasive, intermediate grade, a mix of ductal and lobular. The good news is: The cancer has been excised. The not so good news is: I have to go back for a second surgery, to get a wider excision margin and also to see if any of the cancer infiltrated my nodes. The surgeon will inject a dye into my breast. The dye will travel along the glands that lead to the nodes. My breast and pee will turn blue for a day or two.

I can't seem to follow a straight line these days. I start out heading toward the doctor's office, then do a zig in the direction of death, followed by a zag in the direction of life. Finally I reach the hospital at the corner of Fulton and Shrader, with no idea how I got there.

Tumor Marker Numbers - Helpful but Not Definitive

I got good news a couple of days ago. My CA15-3 and CEA tumor marker numbers, which have been steadily rising for the last year, are going down. This seems to be a result of the low-dose chemo drug, Xeloda, that I have been taking (in pill form) for the last twelve or . . . maybe sixteen? . . . weeks.

My understanding is that the actual numbers are not easy to interpret. A woman can have very low numbers and be near death. A woman can have very high numbers and not be near death. There must be some reasons why this is so, but I don't know exactly what they are. Maybe someone reading this, who knows more than I do or has time to do some research, can explain it.

My Ache: The First Biopsy

A flashback to the summer of 2005.

My Ache

When I arrive at the hospital, everything bodes well. I locate and enter the parking lot that I worried I wouldn't know how to enter or pay for, then I successfully navigate my way to the right elevator, then through the maze of hallways, and finally to the correct suite of imaging rooms. Although I have lived for more than 25 years in San Francisco, which is not really all that big of a city, I am still a small town mid-western girl at heart, still not at ease with the plethora of urban options even when they are confined solely to one large hospital.

My waiting room experience also goes surprisingly well. According to Cosmopolitan magazine, Christie Brinkley attributes her trim physique to vegetarianism, Jennifers Lopez and Aniston both pump iron, and Halle Berry does power yoga. The mammogram goes well too.

But the TV-like screen of the ultrasound machine presents a view of my left breast that reveals a distinct black mass. The mass quivers, shifts, disappears and reappears as the radiologist moves a rectangular metal sensing device back and forth over the quadrant in question. When, after a minute or two, the doctor doesn't turn to me and cheerfully announce, "All right, all done!" — when, instead, he silently and intently proceeds to push numerous buttons and switches, in order to further scrutinize the lump, I feel my first jolt of unease.

Breast Cancer is a Bitch: Breast Cancer Awareness

I would love to be un-aware for just one day, please!Ever since I was diagnosed with cancer, my ears now perk up whenever I hear or see anything about the subject and this reminds me about my own health and it makes me sad. Enough encounters with these demonic reminders and I go into a depression. I would love to go one whole day without someone or something reminding me of my cancer.

via breastcancerisabitch.blogspot.com

I totally get where this woman is coming from. Wanting to be less aware of having cancer is why I sometimes stop blogging about it. But after a while, I feel compelled to start blogging again. The writer in me just can't help it.

Alternative Cancer Treatment Option on Battlestar Galactica

Another unexpected synchronistic twist, for me, re: Battlestar Galactica. I finished watching Episode 4 today, and in this episode it was revealed that Mary McDonnell had decided not to do the standard recommended chemo treatment. She told the doctor that her mother had also battled breast cancer, and that she, Mary, had watched her mother "endure" two years of the "gold standard" chemo treatment.

The Old Farmer with Cancer

Sometimes I fantasize/hope that there is a grain (or more) of truth to stories I've read of folks who get dire cancer diagnoses, are told they have only a short time to live, are advised to do a bunch of treatments that will make them ill and gobble up everything they love about their lives until they die, who stare their doctor in the eye, say "Thank you," walk out the door, and proceed to go right back to living their lives the way they've always lived them.

I'm talking about people like the old farmer who isn't about to NOT do what needs to be done on the farm. It's unthinkable to him...nonsense. He doesn't really even ponder the dilemma or think of it as a dilemma. For him there is no choice to be made. He's going to keep right on working, and that's that. End of story. And guess what? He doesn't die as predicted. He lives for several more years, workin' away.

Are "E-Patients" Spearheading a Healthcare Revolution?

Here is a short, one-page excerpt from the e-book I posted a link to in my July 13th post. It gives a better idea what this e-book is about:

Download E-Book Excerpt

 

Writing to the Void, Battlestar Galactica, Coincidences, Etc.

Yesterday I got off track and didn't do my daily write first thing in the morning. Big mistake. I forced myself to write a few lines of crap at close to midnight. But I did it, because I always tell my students to do it NO MATTER WHAT. Just do it, even if it's crap. Stick to the commitment you've made to yourself.

Of course, I doubt that my writing partners are excited or thrilled to receive my crap writes, but they can always ignore or delete them. I just need to send my writing out to a few someones, because sending to The Void is no longer something I can do. It's too lonely, too absurdly lonely.

Late yesterday afternoon, long before I got it together to write my crap write, I watched the pilot epiode of a now-over TV series called Battlestar Galactica. I know. Huh? Come again? But I stumbled upon it when I browsing around looking for something decent on Netflix, and after reading some reviews I decided to check it out, in great part because I like the two actors who star in it: Mary McDonnell and Edward James Olmos.

Excerpt from an interview with Edward O. and Mary M.:

Today's Discovery: E-Patients - How They Can Help Us Heal Health Care

I just disovered this downloadable e-book on my favorite breast cancer website, breastcancerchoices.org:

Download E-Patients_White_Paper

Table of Contents:

1. Hunters and Gatherers of Medical Information

2. Content, Connectivity, and Communityware

3. Patient-Centered Neworks: Connected Communities of Care

4. The Surprisingly Complex World of e-Communities

5. e-Patients as Medical Researchers

6. Learning from e-Patients

7. The Autonomous Patient and the Reconfiguration of Medical Knowledge

 

Mitchell May - Healer and Teacher

Mitchell May is a healer and a teacher whose gifts are recognized worldwide. Told he would never walk again, Mitchell’s miraculous healing from a near-fatal car accident over 35 years ago (in which he sustained over 40 fractures, severed nerves, bone loss and severe internal injuries) made medical history when he regenerated nerve, bone, muscle and organ tissue and fully healed his body.

via www.thesynergycompany.com

I love Mitchell May's personal story of becoming a healer, I use his Synergy products (my staples: Pure Synergy, Bone Renewal, and Manaka Honey), and I periodically return to the Synergy website and re-listen to his audiotapes that are there on the site, free to enjoy.

Salt: Waiting for the Biopsy Results

I wrote a rougher version of the following personal essay, around six years ago (in 2005), just prior to my bc diagnosis. Today I dug it out, smoothed a few of the rough edges, and felt some satisfaction in doing that, especially after having spent all day yesterday leading a workshop called "I Want to Write BUT...A Kick in the 'But' Class for...You?"

I felt like I should give myself a good kick in the 'but,' too.

Here's what I ended up with:

Salt

I woke up this morning thinking, as I once again swung my feet over the edge of the bed, about all the people I've known who have died in the last decade. My brother, my mother, my father. Tina's sister, Gabrielle's lover. That 14-year-old girl, can't remember her name, in my son's acrobatics class, whose safety buckle malfunctioned during a routine trapeze trick. Just go, I say to myself. The appointment does not require high drama, requires nothing more than two hands that can grip a steering wheel, two legs that can carry you into the doctor's office.