One Book, Two Bookends

One book, two bookends.
One me, two animals on either side of me.
I am a crying book, this morning.
My bookends keep me from falling over.
I am a wailing, fearful book.
My bookends are my guardian angels.
I am a human, crying book.
My animals can't talk to me.
I am a wailing, fearful human woman.
My dog and my cat sit beside me, quiet as can be.
I cry out loud. I wail. I try to talk to God.
They lie curled on either side, peaceful.
I listen to my dog's breathing. Steady, slow.
The cat makes no sound at all. She is a furl of silent fur.
I am filled with dread, terrified of pain and death.
I am itching, I am looking up "pale yellow stools"
on the Internet. I am imagining all the worst
case scenarios for a human woman who has
breast cancer that has metasticized to her blood,
her bones.
What will become of her, of me? I ask myself this
as I wonder
if I am the only God there is. Seriously. This
could be the case.

Meanwhile, the emails keep arriving, as if nothing
is wrong, as if everything is as it should be, as if
they are saying to me, "Hey, what's the big deal?
You are but a tiny cog in the big wheel of humanity.
Every crying book ever born has gone through some
version of your current meltdown. Your pages are
being turned, and you don't like this particular
chapter. We get it. We sympathize, but at the same
time, well, we don't, not really. Our time for
dispensing sympathy is limited. We are busy doing
other things. Each to his own. Hasta la vista, baby."

The bookend on my left lifts her head, looks
toward the window, seems to be listening to
something
out there.
I stare at her exceptionally sweet paws.
The bookend on my right has not moved, not
a whit. She sleeps like the feline goddess that
she is. She knows what she is.

My bookends are wise.
I am not wise, not a wise book at all.
I am a crying, fearful book of many
dog-eared pages, with too many
unreadable scribbles in my margins.

Comments

[Jeff]

Thank 'God' for your bookends and those exceptionally sweet paws. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You are wise, very wise to be where you are right now. It will change. Everything does. Just know that you're filled with so much more than dread; there's plenty of room in there for other things.

[Jill]

I have an overwhelming desire to hug one of my favorite books close to my heart and appreciate every last page it offered me. I will read it over and over again.....and appreciate each new thing I learn with each new reading. I really love this book and the bookends that propped it up so faithfully and lovingly for so long....