Reality Check and Karma (?) re: What It's Like to Recuperate after a Mastectomy

I had my mastectomy on Jan. 27th, exactly three weeks ago. People have commented that I seem amazingly "together"  — all better now, healed up and "back to normal." Able to function just as always, no problemo. Wow! Cool. What a strong woman!

I could allow this misconception to continue, in order to hear the applause for my great performance, but I choose not to because this would be misleading, and I don't think it's such a great idea to mislead people about something like this.

Yes, I am healing nicely and so far haven't had any complications or nightmarish experiences. Yes, I am blogging and working at my Writing Salon job and doing household chores and cooking and washing dishes and all sorts of things.

But I am nowhere near "all healed up" or back to normal or able to function "as usual." It's difficult right now. My left arm doesn't have full range of motion and won't for some time to come. I have an assortment of distracting, disturbing, distressful aches and pains where my breast was, and all around where it was, and in my armpit and upper arm and side and even my back. Nerves were cut and/or injured. Nerve pains really hurt. Coping with continual aches and pains from a major wound is exhausting, and so although I start out each day feeling pretty darn chipper, I run out of gas much sooner than usual (I am typing this at 7:30 a.m., not 1 p.m., not 3 p.m., not in the evening). I get tired much more easily right now, as is to be expected because my body is still working very hard at healing.

I move much more slowly. I can't lift the container of dog food. If I want to put others at risk, I can drive but if I had to steer sharply, there might be a problem because I don't have full strength or function on the left side of my body. I've done it, and I'll probably do it tomorrow in order to drive myself to the surgeon's office for another appointment. Jack can't get off work.

Just because I'm blogging and can still write and think, it doesn't mean I wouldn't be really really glad if my sister were still here helping out. I could use that right now. Help. My sister deserves a great big post all to herself, and it's coming soon, along with a photo or two of her. The week that she was here right after my surgery, she was an angel. It was WONDERFUL. She was so so so helpful, so THERE, so understanding, so intuitively able to see what I needed and to offer it before I ever said a word. I learned that my sister is a very good observer. She pays close attention, and she learns a great deal about the people she knows, by just sitting back quietly and watching.

During the that week when she was here, I was able to work and blog some BECAUSE she was cooking for me, keeping the kitchen spotless, walking the dog twice a day, shopping, etc. She even washed my hair for me. 

I would say that I am operating at about 60 percent right now. My other angel, JK, who I have written about already, continues to come here once a week for four-hour chunks. This week he is coming twice, for eight hours total, because he sensed, after reading one of my email replies to him, that I really needed it this week, and he was right.  He shops for me at Good Life and Rainbow, he walks Olivia, he has TAKEN OVER dealing with my health insurance company - helping me to deal with getting reimbursements, finding out about stuff like whether and how I am covered for prostheses, and more. He is helping me start the process of trying to find a personal assistant, because now I know how badly I need one. He has washed my dishes. He has offered to help me get the WS taxes done because he knows how behind I am. He has offered to try and help me with some other WS administrative work. Like my sister, he too is incredibly good at anticipating my needs and offering before being asked. 

I don't know how "normal" I am compared to other women who are healing after mastectomies. I'm sure it must vary enormously from woman to woman. But I suspect that most women are not back to  "a hundred percent" after only three weeks. In fact, I spoke with one woman who had her mastectomy almost seven MONTHS ago, and she is still getting physical therapy and special massages. She is still getting lots and lots of help in her daily life, which has definitely not yet gone back to normal. Of course, she is going to have reconstruction, which makes for more complications and more surgery coming up. I'm not having reconstruction, so my surgery was simpler than hers was.

Therefore, I don't expect to be where she is at, after seven months has passed. But I'm not totally BACK yet. I'm still taking Tramadol pain pills intermittently, or popping 800 mg Ibuprofens. I'm still cringing when I look at the jagged, wrinkled, puffy cut line that is still clotted with dry blood and sutures that haven't disintegrated yet. I'm still tentatively looking in the mirror, carefully touching the pink swollen areas, the sore spots, the bulges where fluids have accumulated and things are not yet by any means back to normal. It's an ugly wound. I know it will get better, but right now it's still pretty gross looking. Lumpy, bumpy, jagged and ragged.

Also, I'm still unable to sleep in normal positions, so my back hurts a lot and I wake up a lot more during the night. 

None of this is insurmountable. None of this is horrible. I'm just saying: I need more time, and I am grateful whenever someone offers to help. 

Oh, and the reason I put "karma (?)" in my subject line is because I figure that I'm getting back exactly what I've given (or not given) to others who were in need, in the past. I gave SOME help to friends/acquaintances every now and then. But I didn't give a lot. I didn't see a lot. I ignored a lot. And I made a lot of excuses as to why I wouldn't be "the best" person to help out, and why I was sure that others would be much better helpers than I could ever be. I said things like "I just don't have nurturing, 'earth mother' genes," or "I'm better at abstract than concrete." Bullshit like that. But I never checked to see if those "other, better" helpers ever appeared.  I just assumed, and went on my merry way.

So...karma. The great teacher.

(In fact, I would have to say that I have gotten more help than I deserve, most likely. . . so maybe the "what goes around comes around" idea is a load of crap. As usual, I don't know. The Great Mystery of life continues unabated.)

Comments

[Jill]

We may not always be aware of how and when we help others. I am certain that you underestimate how much of a help you have been in many ways to many people.....

xo

Jill

[Joan Hawley]

Jane, I am so glad to read your updates and hear how you are doing. It's wonderful that your sister was able to stay with you and help out, and JK continues to be there for you. Your comments on karma have me thinking. Keeping you in my thoughts.

[Jeff Kennedy]

Karma is usually thought of as a volitional deed which produces a fruit that ripens sometimes, but not always, in a later life. The effect of the karma is thought to be primarily determined by the intention not the act itself, even if the act is never carried out. We think, we speak, we act, just as our predecessors did. What goes around, comes around eventually to someone. It's less productive to question the flow than to be aware and contribute to it as often as we can.