No, my cancer has not melted away overnight. But I still see this as a miracle: My sister Jill, from whom I was long estranged and have not seen in at least 15 years (probably much longer), has offered to fly out to SF from Idaho and stay with me for a week following my surgery.
Jill and I reconnected a year or two ago via email, discovered we had some medical issues in common, and slowly began to repair the broken lines of communication with occasional phone calls and emails. We skyped a couple of times. And Jill began to read my blog. At one point we butted heads and cooled it for a while, but then we started up again.
I began to feel that we were actually becoming friends, that we had quite a few things in common, on several levels. I have not ever had this kind of connection with a family member. When I left home at age 17, my four younger siblings ranged in age from 9 to 13. I never lived with them again, and when I graduated from college I moved to San Francisco. For many reasons that I won't go into here, I became estranged from my family. It was not a nasty estrangement, but it was an estrangement nevertheless. A quiet, cool estrangement. No closeness or active connections, very little communication, no regular or frequent visits. My two brothers did both move to SF at one point, for a relatively short time, but their presence here was fraught with difficulties. For example, both of them had drug problems.
The concept of "blood ties" was one that I could understand but did not relate to. I felt closer to my friends than to my family.
Nevertheless, I was happy to feel a connection blossoming with Jill, and a few days ago this surprising thought crossed my mind: "I wonder what it would be like to have family here in the Bay Area, family I was really close to, who would come rally round me in a time of need. It would be so great if I had family members who would just automatically come over to stay with me and take care of me after my surgery."
I have had wonderful offers from friends, such as "We are here for you, Jane. Let us know if you need anything!" and I know they are sincere. And I appreciate them greatly. But the truth is that this is not the same thing as having "family" come over, 24-7 if need be, to do WHATEVER, whenever. As needed. Not something specific that you have to pick up the phone and call to ask for, or send an email to ask for. Not something you have to organize or coordinate.
You just need somebody you feel comfortable with who will BE there with you, and who will take charge and see what needs to be done while you rest, zone out, recover and heal. If someone is vaguely "out there," available to help IF you proactively ask them for it, that is nice. It is something to be grateful for. But it is not like having a family member who will just call and say, "I'll be coming over tonight." And it's understood that they'll simply sack out on the couch if there's nowhere else. Or in the guest room if you have one.
What was particularly wonderful about this miracle was that it was only a couple of days after I had the wistful thought, I wonder what it would be like to have family who.... that I received the email from Jill saying, "I don't know if you'd even want this, Jane, but I have been wondering if you might want me to fly out there and stay with you for a week or so after your surgery."
You could have knocked me over with a feather, I was so surprised and grateful and wildly relieved at the mere thought of this offer coming true.
And it IS coming true! The plane ticket has been bought. I think it is an amazing turn of events.
This makes me happy too PJ. You're right that a brother or sister can get under your skin like no friend will ever do, but they also have a history with you no friend can ever have. Sounds like you and Jill have a lot of catching up to do.
Posted by: harlan lewps | Monday, January 18, 2010 at 09:45 AM
So wonderful.
Posted by: mary ann stein | Monday, January 18, 2010 at 06:03 AM
The Miracle worked both ways.......thank you for giving me a chance (no, make that multiple chances) to be in your life despite our differences or difficulties on occassion. I was fully prepared for and half expecting a polite "decline" for help. So, I was amazed at how it all came together and that we get this chance. I can't wait to be there with you...
Love,
Jill
Posted by: Jill | Sunday, January 17, 2010 at 06:35 PM
i can relate to this post on so many levels, jane...and i am glad your sister will be here for you. i'll be wishing you well throughout. wave
Posted by: wave | Sunday, January 17, 2010 at 03:01 PM