Walking home from
the doctors' din, dozens
of leaves quivered above
her head, like the memories
of the lover she'd never had.
Sometimes all you needed
was that.
She strolled the cold street, climbed
the hill. One leaf fell, fluttered to
a stop at her feet. She slowed
to shoot a close-up.
Wise old leaf, so full of grace,
dying face all cracked and
veined, smiled up at her,
refused to embrace
the prognosis.
One wound, many veils. Many veils for one wound. I have begun to find ways to heal my wound. . . also to disguise it, protect it, name it, ignore it, honor it, integrate it, transform it . . .and, I hope, accept it.
This mastectomy wound, btw, is a pleasant distraction from the ongoing saga of shingles. Exploring its veils pulls me away from the scream of nerves gone haywire. The pain is running its course.
Meanwhile, you learn to wait and to cope. You think about making more art and soup. You continue to work. You freak out and calm down. You call yourself "you" instead of "I." You try on new perspectives, play with distancing yourself from yourself.
Then you return to your cup of morning coffee, 5:20 a.m., the hum of the heater, the cat by your feet, the quiet both inside and out.
I remind myself that soon it will no longer be a wound. Soon it will be a scar. Wound to scar. Scar to . . . ?
Originally uploaded by my.third.eye
It seems that the worst of the shingles pain may be over...fingers crossed...thanks to: 1) the normal course of shingles, 2) the "natural" medications I got from Dr. Cowan, combined with Tramadol pain pills and acyclovir, 3) the expensive but helpful topical analgesics I got from Scarlet Sage alternative supplements shop on Valencia Street.
I have had a headache for the past 18 hours and feel as if I've been run over by a truck, but the nerve pains have lessened considerably - and the sensation that scalding water was poured onto my skin where the hives are has also decreased to a simmer rather than a fire.
Today Jack and I are going to attempt to get it together to make a batch of Bieler's Broth, plus a big pot of Italian vegetable soup that will, hopefully, last us several days.
I had planned to spend Friday, Saturday and Sunday getting going on the Writing Salon Spring Session scheduling and website update — a quarterly project that always takes me a couple of labor-intensive weeks to do — but that plan didn't pan out, of course. I need at least one more day to ignore the reality of my Workaday World. I might take a short walk with Jack and Ms. Livvy B. After that, I am going to spend most of Sunday in bed watching an On Demand movie or two, napping, popping meds, and smearing ointments onto angry blisters.
I'm still saying my mantra prayer, too:
Oh Great Mystery, divine life force of my being, unto the Father and Mother within come forward this moment, this hour, and walk in front of me, help me do the right thing, help me say the right thing, help me stay on the path that is right for me in all that I am and strive to be. In kindness and in love, so be it.
I know I said I was going to start keeping my photos on a separate blog, and I did start that other blog, which is called My.Third.Eye Photograpy. But trying to keep three different blogs going (this one, the photo one, and the one I do for the Writing Salon) is like trying to keep three plates balanced on top of sticks all spinning at the same time (without ever letting one get so slow and wobbly that it falls crashing to the floor).
So mostly I just post to this one, and occasionally I post to one of the extremely wobbly others. Yesterday I posted one I like of Olivia on My.Third.Eye. Today I'll post one here - what the heck – I'm living dangerously, breaking my own rule.
But before I post my pic, I should probably say at least one new thing about breast cancer. Let's see... oh I know. Because of breast cancer, I learned how to make gluten-free banana pancakes. The ones I made this morning came out particularly nicely:
1 banana, mashed
1 egg, mashed in with mashed banana
8 crispy almonds (crispy almonds are raw almonds that have been soaked for at least 8 hours in salted water, then dried until crispy/crunchy in a very very low-heat oven or dehydrator); I get mine from Three Stone Hearth in Berkeley because mostly I'm too pressed for time to make them myself.
Pinch of salt (Celtic sea salt)
Fry this "batter" on medium heat in either ghee or coconut oil or a mix of both, until they look the way you like your pancakes to look. I think they cook better if you make two small ones rather than one large one.
Add a healthy topping. I like blueberries, crispy walnuts, and a dollop of yogurt, yogurt cream, or creme fraiche (or you could use sour cream).
SO GOOD you may want to double or triple the recipe.
This is a photo I took at our friends' wedding reception a couple of months ago, of the bride and groom doing their "love is lovelier the second time around" dance. I thought their body language was so perfect.
Answer to the question in my Subject Line: Spending quality time with friends and loved ones, of course, which is what I did last night (Christmas Eve) when I had dinner with Jack and his two children, Emerald (24) and Blake (29).
Blake is visitng from Detroit, of all places (!), and Emerald from NYC - they are both very interesting kids (okay, people)...and complete opposites. Blake lives in a Detroit neighborhood that has been mostly abandoned and is filled with empty decaying houses and vacant lots being taken over by wildlife. But he is involved with a grassroots collection of artists who are creating innovative ways of living on the cheap, growing their own garden, raising goats and chickens, and making their art. Emerald lives in a NYC studio apartment, works for Coach (luggage) in their merchandising department (after having graduating from Parsons School of Design), and thinks nothing of trotting off to Japan or Europe to attend a fashion show or do research for some hot new clothing line.
My own son Will (26) is celebrating Christmas in Sweden with the ten other members of his new circus show, which will soon be embarking on a two-year tour. He and I skype when we can, given the 9-hour time difference!
I look forward to the time when all three of our children can be here together, as they were a couple of Christmases ago. Either that or Jack or I will have to win the lottery so that we can all trek off to whatever country Will is performing in, and celebrate there. I bet Christmas is fun in Sweden. Don't they have reindeer running around loose in the streets?
Will and his sweetie, Anna.
I have much to report on the "Does She or Doesn't She? (have uterine cancer)" front, but I have been filling my head with so many pathology report details and interpretations, I can't yet muster another burst of energy that would be required to write it all or even partly down.
Besides, I would rather shift gears and proudly show off the cover of the new Haphazart magazine issue #2, because I got to be one of the three featured artists this time around and am excited about it. I've been a member of Flickr for over two years now and I love it, but seeing some of my photos actually printed in a nicely done, coffee table-style book (it's more of a book than a magazine) is extra special.
If you click on the Haphazart link below, there is more info. on how to buy or view it online for free.
Haphazart! Contemporary Abstracts I Issue 02 I November 2009
I had some recent fun playing with making collages of my photos. This one came out pretty well, I think. It's so neat and orderly, which at times feels very soothing to me when I'm in the midst of all the daily mess and chaos. Everything neatly fitting together, well balanced, tidy as can be. Sure, I like wildness too, but one must occasionally take a break from that.
Little Pieces of My Daily Urban Life. . .
It doesn't take much. Just a square patch of sun on laundry room linoleum and voila.
Originally uploaded by my.third.eye
A memory, warm, full of smooth little ridges, gave her a feeling of what she had intended. Something beautiful that had to do with yellow, the sky, and waves of dawn passing by the house.
I worked on this "creation" last night while listening to the soundtrack from the movie "Fur," about the life of Diane Arbus (starring Nicole Kidman and Robert Downey Jr.). I loved the movie and I loved the music. It's a combination of three different photos that I "layered," which is a technique I am just barely beginning to play with. So...I guess this means I am no longer the "purist" who does no or very little "post-processing."
I suspect this is a natural progression in the photography learning curve, at least for me.
Looking for some art for your home or office walls? I have some for you in my ImageKind photo galleries. Here's a link to one of the galleries:
MSSP = More Shameless Self-Promotion
Oh my god, it's my Significant Other! How lucky am I?
He really IS hot. Looking at this photo makes me think I better get my limp, unkept hair trimmed and styled, start wearing a little makeup again, stop wearing nothing but the same pair of too-loose jeans and old hand-me-down tops that I bought decades ago at the Salvation Army, maybe even shoes other than smelly sneakers. Ya think?
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