It has been almost five years since I made breast cancer the primary focus of this blog. It was therapeutic and cathartic for me, and it also felt satisfying and meaningful to be sharing my research, my feelings, my thoughts and, basically, all the "fruits" of my journey into the vast realm of illness, fear, the medical system and the ongoing efforts to find (and stay on) the right path, for me, to healing and also to the acceptance that healing may not ever mean "cure." Plus, it was the easiest way by far to communicate with concerned friends who wanted to know how I was doing.
I probably blogged most intensely during the first year or two after my diagnosis, then I slacked off for a while as I felt the relief of having made it through a crisis period. I wanted to stop defining myself through my breast cancer experience. Last year, though, I ended up dealing with another cancer scare (cervical cancer) that didn't turn out to be cervical cancer, followed by a breast cancer recurrence. When these things happened, I again cranked up the cancer focus of my blogging.
Now, three months after my mastectomy and that f....king attack of shingles, I realize, more profoundly than I did before, that I will be, essentially, living with breast cancer for the rest of my life. Sometimes (hopefully all or most of the time), I will be in remission. But a day will never again go by that I don't think about it or am reminded of it. I'll continue to take my battery of potions and pills, and continue to think of food not only as a necessity or a pleasure but also as a medicine. I'll be going in regularly for tumor marker tests, MRIs, Pet Scans and ultrasounds. I'll be visiting my doctors regularly, always tweating the meds, discussing new treatments on the horizon, and being ever vigilant. Symptoms that once indicated little more than the flu or a cold or a strained muscle now must be seen as possible signs of something worse.
And, of course, my missing breast and mastectomy scar are the biggest reminders of all.
The thing is, I don't want to spend the rest of my life blogging primarily about breast cancer, even though yes it's carthartic and yes it's helpful to other women who are looking for more information, especially information about alternatives to conventional treatments. Bottom line, I'm tired of it. It's time to focus on other things, things which may or may not lead to blogging.
For now, I'm thinking maybe I'll start posting more photos to my photo blog, which I created many months ago but haven't really done much with. Or....I don't know. I'm just so relieved to finally be feeling halfway decent again, physically, that mostly all I want to do is lie around eating ice cream, not allowing myself to work on Sundays (like I did today, which was heavenly), and watching movies on demand.
I'd also like to invite Doug and Barb over to play Bananagrams. And take Linda and Mary Ann out for wine and/or strong coffee, plus some goodies and girl talk. And visit with Kerry and hear all about her trip to New Zealand. And visit with Toby but not talk about vacuum cleaners or snacks or tidying the classroom. And do more things with ALL my friends, in "real" life, not cyber life.
So...that's my update. I'm not stopping this blog, but I'll be posting less unless or until I feel moved to chat about OTHER STUFF.
In the meantime, I may also ramp up my photography blog, My.Third.Eye. Maybe I'll try for one photo a day and some occasional text. We'll see.
Now back to futzing on Flickr, which I've been doing all day and am not at all tired of yet.