Celestial Fire In Frisco

Celestial Fire In Frisco
Originally uploaded by my.third.eye

Here's an arbitrary "anniversary" date that just popped into my head: At the end of this month, it will be two years and five months since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Weird. I was so afraid, then. I'm much less so, now. Of course it helps that I don't feel sick!

Then again, not feeling sick can also be scary, because you are continually wondering when or how or if it might sneak into your life and turn everything into death. You aren't sure how it will happen if or when it happens. You don't know how quickly or suddenly "it" could reappear, either in your breast or elsewhere. One day you feel certain that it's gone forever; another day you think it's arrogant to be so cocky, because you are no different than any other mortal being. You aren't "above" dying of breast cancer.

So you go around trying to be optimistic and positive, because it feels better to do that, and because on the woo-woo level you are telling yourself that it's good to try and do "mind over matter" energy stuff. You tell yourself that you can "control" your cells with your mind and heart and soul. You tell yourself that there are ways to heal the body that are way way beyond pills and injections and exercise and saunas and chemo and radiation and hormone blockers. And you try to believe that you can teach yourself to use some of those other "enligtened and advanced" methods of healing.

But at the same time, you want to be realistic and humble, and to acknowledge that many many others, who were probably way more enlightened and advanced than you are, have died of all kinds of ugly diseases. So who are you kidding? It's all just a crapshoot. Pure and simple.

Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth you go.

And sometimes when you really ARE experiencing a few moments of enlightenment, you forget all about it! You live in the now. You enjoy your day, moment by moment. You pet the dog, sip your coffee, admire your own amateur attempts at photography (including cliché sunset pictures), sing while you clean the kitchen, henna your hair, kiss your sweet sweetheart, send emails to your son as he galavants around the world (he's in Paris now, and then New Zealand), take a walk in the rain, and try to keep your precious friendships going even though you hardly ever seem to see anybody anymore, recluse that you are (but at least you plug away at the old blog, and do your best to keep up with theirs.....

Comments

[h]

Recluse that you are, we love you that way. If you started calling everyone and showing up at our door we'd be terrified.