I think I've just converted to membership in the Cult of Denial. A friend of mine, in a not-too-long ago email, referred to denial as her savior, or something along those lines. I wondered what she meant by that. Now I no longer wonder. I get it.
We're told to see denial as a negative, an avoidance of "the truth." As a chicken shit way out of dealing with the issues. Denial means all you've done is sweep the dirt under the rug. Run away from "reality."
Fuck that. There are about a million things well worth denying. Temporarily. . . or even forever.
For example, I can work like hell to deny the supposed implications of my currently skyrocketing tumor marker numbers and my annoying CT/Pet scan results (extensive diffuse bone mets, including a lesion at T4 spinal vertebrae), blah blah blah.
Will this denial be a bad thing? A cop out? A coward's choice? (BTW, I and my docs pretty much already knew the gist all of this, without having had all the tests. I just didn't know as many of the specific details, and details make it seem scarier. But nothing has actually CHANGED except that maybe it's growing faster again, no doubt because I've been off medications because of the rash and the prednisone etc. etc. -- the conundrum that has affected all my best laid treatment plans ever since last July.)